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I don't know if anyone can help, but dd (14, nearly 15) (Year 10) is really unhappy at her all girl's school, so much so that she rang me in tears this week, threatening to run away, as she was fed up, in her words 'of being made to fel thick and stupid.'
She attends a very academic school, which still thinks its a grammar school. Dd chose the school, as she wanted to go to a single sex school.
She was fine the first 2 years, and has friends there, but really has struggled for the past year and a half. Dd says she is not clever, that she is thick etc, etc. Actually, she is very articulate, talented in drama, music, and dance, is doing well in English and Geography. After the incident this week, I spoke to the HoY and Pastoral Tutor, who managed to talk to her and keep her at school for the day. They have said that she does appear disengaged in some subjects, e.g. Maths and Science, ans she does find these difficult. The pastoral teacher also said that she has low self-esteem. Howvever, I pointed out that this is onlt in school. We are meeting next week.
I don't really know what to do, because outside of the school environment, she is a very, bright, articulate girl, much respected and liked by both her peer group and adults. She is highly emotionally intelligent and has a strong sense of justice. She has also just been selected by YMT for one of their summer projects.
I know this is lomg, but any suggestions/ideas will be gratefully recieved.
Thank you!

i dont really have any suggestions for you, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone my dd is the same. shes no confidence at shool but out of school she does loads of things but this has started to change latley. i think it could be an age and hormone thing. but im at my wits end to. and the school are no help. i hope you get things sorted out.

So sorry to hear that she's so upset. We recently changed my ds's school -he's Yr 8, so I know how worrying this can be. She sounds as if she's a very bright girl and doing well in so many areas. Are the school willing to help her in the areas she finds difficult? So may creative children can find Maths and Science difficult-she certainly isn't on her own. Do they have a Maths club for example?
Is she involved in the drama, dance etc in school? Maybe ask the teachers to involve her in a project (in a subject that she enjoys ) or give her some responsibilty for a task-anything that will boost her self esteem in school and show her true personality. Kids can be so hard on themselves, it doesn't take much to knock them down does it. I hope you get some results when you speak to themand that things will start looking up.

Dear STEFFYSMUM & Mogs,
Thank you.
The difficulty is that there is little creativity at school. For example, she has to study Dance GCSE at another school, extra-curricular, as only 3 girls ate her school were interested. Also, I think she doesn't want her schoolfriens to know about what she does outside of school (think there may be a lack of interest from them).
We are paying for a tutor for Maths & Science to start after Easter and dd has readily agreed to this, which suggests she hasn't completely given up!
I will let you know how the meeting next week goes.
I know part of it is that she is in a 'viscious circle'-e.g. I've tried really hard, but omly gate equivalent 'E' grade-therefore must be thick, so what's the point of trying.
It's so frustrating. But thank you for your support. Other suggestions/thoughts also welcomed.

I assume it's a boarding school as you mention 'running away'. Friendships may be the problem - if she has no-one close to turn to it must be so hard. My dd tells me everything, the other night we did some 'kick boxing' together (minus kicks!) with gloves and pads so she could get her frustration out over a friend who had let her down badly. She is not very motivated at school, despite being very bright and emotionally intelligent she has lousy teachers for music and maths and has extra Maths sessions at school to keep her on target (she has a high target due to getting very good SATs results!) But it's the social life which is most important to her, and when that goes wrong that's when she gets unhappy.

I really feel for you and her, how far away are you from the school?

It seems that the real problem is the school doesn't fit her preferred learning style. Everyone learns differently - and some schools, though excellent, just cannot provide what some of their learners need. If she's creative, and needs this kind of outlet for her talents, and the school can't satisfy it - then she needs a different school that can. Sounds like what the education system describe as a kinaesthetic learner - kind of a touchy-feely person - she responds to doing rather than lectures, conventional classes and old-fashioned 'sit down and listen' teaching styles. For many subjects - especially when the most common learning style is just to be a sponge and soak up information as it's presented - this is fine - but for 'arty' people it's a real switch off.

The fact the school are arranging classes elsewhere means they recognise they're ill equipped in this area - but for drama style subjects, strangers, or being the outsiders isn't that easy to blend into an already existing cohort of kids!

Sorry she's suffering.
P

I'm so sorry you and your dd are going through this at the moment. There is nothing worse than seeing your child miserable !
My dd is in year 11 and sounds very similar to yours. Her school was a very selective with asperations of a grammar school, until a couple of years ago when it was no longer able to get away with setting a test and interview for prospective pupils! This means that the vast majority of the kids in my dd's class are super bright all rounders and so although my dd is very good at drama, music, languages etc, she has up to recently she has generally felt very stupid next to most of the others in Chemistry, Physics, and Maths etc.
However, about a year ago, I got her a tutor. Really really can't afford it tbh, but I decided that I just had to find it ( or just add it to the rest of what I owe!)
Anyway what a HUGE difference it has made to her !! I thought she just wasn't much good at those subjects, but I was wrong !!!! Turns out you just need a decent teacher, who will explain it logically and patiently until you understand it. Who Knew !!!!!!! In class my dd says that they don't always explain it very well at all and then move on immediately, so she was just totally lost virtually all the time. Turns out all the smart alecs had tutors they weren't letting on about anyway !
So getting her a tutor will I'm certain be the making of her and she will find it sooooooo much less stressful at school.
I know we don't know you , at least as far as I know we dont, but it it would help your dd to talk to a girl in the year obove who know's what it's like, she is happy to chat to her about it. Don't worry every thing will be fine soon I'm sure !

Dear Igloobabe, Paulears & Coco,
Thank you for replying. Just to clarify, dd is at a local secondary state school, not boarding or private. Picking up on what you've said, Paulears, I think you are right, re-learning styles and that may be well be a large part of the problem. She will be going to a different school/college for Year 11, probably to study for a BTech in Performing Arts (if they are still around). Dd wants to go to drama school at 18, rather than Uni. I think also that the school is more concerned with the Ebac results forthe future. plus it is a new HT, and the previous HT had a personal relationship with dd, recognising her strengths in leadership and compassion for others, and actively praised and encouraged her extra-curricular activities.
Coco, your experience gives me a great deal of hope and hopefully at the meeting next week they can suggest some appropriate strategies to support her. We picked up dd and her friend today and her friend was full of praise at how well she did (and does) in Geography, particularly in being able to explain the earthquake in Japan today and the effects of the Tsunami, without any prompting.
Thank you all again. I will keep you posted.

Its hard when your child is not happy. My DD was similar in that she excelled in drama, music, english, she was good at other subjects too but it was a school with lots of very bright academic children. She too felt "thick" in Maths - though in the top set she was not in the elite group who did additional maths. In yr 11 I got her a maths tutor and she thrived in one-to-one with someone who made her feel that she had ability. She ended up getting an A at GCSE so it worked.

She chose to study performing arts BTEC rather than A levels, though a very bright girl she has always preferred learning by "doing" not just studying. She is now at a really good drama college so its all worked out

While none of that helps you at least you know that many of us have been there. It sounds as if you are doing all you can, just hang on in there.

Its amazing to see how many of us have similar stories. My dd is year 8 and like all your ds's and dd's she is in top set for almost all subjects but she really struggles in Maths, even though she is in the top set she has to really work hard. Earlier this year she moved down a set and has a different teacher with different teaching methods, she is now doing really well, so i do think its down to the way they are individually taught, she was also to embarressed to ask the teacher to explain things. She is very happy being in the second set, no pressure. I am sure your dd will be just fine.

Similar story with DS as with so many others. He just doesn't learn best with the traditional teaching methods used in schools these days.

DS is in Year 11 now (leaves in a few months...........hooray!!!) and we have now decided to just 'go with the flow' and make sure he has lots of opportunities out of school to excel in what he does well and enjoys. He has already been offered a college place to study music, so we are just hoping he gets the required GCSE passes now.

Soprano, I really hope you are able to make your DD's school understand where she is coming from and why she may not be doing her best in some subjects. Try not to let them fob you off, as they may try to do. I know this may sound a bit cynical and negative, but schools struggle these days to find the time and energy to help pupils who don't 'fit the mould', so don't give up if you don't get a satisfactory solution first time round. It's too late for my DS now, but I really wish I'd fought his corner more a few years ago.

Sending lots of hugs to you and your DD xx

As a maths teacher I sympathise with you and the troubles your dd is having with the way maths is tought in school. Many children are brought up with their parents saying 'I was rubbish at maths' or 'what was the point of learning .... I've never used in?' (this usually refers to algebra).
I tutor private maths lessons and I always try to think of a real life situation of when a particular maths topic would be used, introducing it as a real life problem, ie solving a specific problem, then when they have got it clear in their head I show them the maths they did, and how it relates to the curriculum - most times they don't even realise they had done any maths, then we get technical and move their new knowledge to the general and because they had already solved a similar problem they are confident. To me it makes far more sense, if they can see why the particular area of maths would be useful, then it is a lot easier to get your head round, rather than just learning the mechanic, for learnings sake.

An example is, going shopping:

You only have £5 and need packed lunch for 3 children, every mother has done this at some time, you use algebra without even thinking about it.
You will decide as you are going round the shop (almost instantaniously) whether it is more economical to buy a bag of apples, a 6 pack of yoghurts, or if you can afford sliced ham or have to buy the cheap ready sliced stuff, and if you can throw in a chocolate bar each, all before you've got to the counter and all in your head!
Who says you will never need algebra in real life!
If I gave this problem (or a similar one regarding a night out on limited funds) most teenagers would readily and easily work it out in their head without a worry. Tell them you have an algebraic equation for them to work out and they would freak!

I sympathise soprano, and I remember how horrid it was to have an child who was unhappy at school. It is difficult to know what to do for the best, and I hope you can find a good solution for your dd.

In terms of Maths learning, it's really interesting to hear about others' experiences. My ds really struggled with Maths (still does!). He had/has an arithmetic block though, which I struggled to understand, as numbers came relatively easily to me. He was definitely helped by putting Maths into a real world setting. He needed the English to go round the Maths, if you see what I mean! He was also easily discouraged if he couldn't do something that didn't interest him much - which isn't all that surprising to me. If he WAS interested, he'd work his socks off, however tough it was. My dd was completely different. She felt that words really got in the way of the numbers and was very impatient with the whole : "Mary has 3 apples and John has 2 apples" stuff! She's three years younger than ds and I can remember some difficult (fortunately, with hindsight, now quite amusing) times when they were much, much younger. I would be trying to help ds with Maths and dd would "helpfully" come up with the answers in 2 seconds flat. This, of course, did nothing to help ds at all - being outshone by your annoying little sister was not conducive to learning. I remember on one occasion sending her out into the hall because she was being far too "helpful". It wasn't that successful because she shouted the answers through the door!

Fortunately, ds struggled through to a C in GCSE. I was so proud of him for this achievement - even though it was one of his lower grades - I know how hard it had been for him. He dropped it like a hot brick after that and went on to excel in the things he enjoyed.

My dd was very unhappy at her first secondary school (whichwas the same one ds went to - he managed there ok). In the end, I actually took the advice of her singing teacher. She said she thought dd was very deeply unhappy. I felt like a terrible mother for not realising how bad it was but will always be grateful to the singing teacher for talking to me about it. She moved to a smaller school with a much better "arty" outlook (despite being a Science focussed school apparently!). She then went to a specialist music school in 6th form which was where she really came alive.

Sorry, that was all a bit me, me, me.

You sound as if you're doing brilliantly: listening, empathising, doing your best to solve problems. I think it can be hard for the "arty" ones. If there's a chance for her to move somewhere else, don't be afraid to consider it. I hope that getting a tutor will give her a boost too - it could be just the help she needs.

Wishing you and dd all the very best.

I am at school myself I know that it can be hard. Particularly if she is studying GCSEs at the moment and I'm guessing she is doing things out side school in the arts as well?
I know that it can be difficult to balence things and I have and have friends who have felt that now we are getting older we are in that steriotyped age group where no one (Teachers, parents etc) seems to like us ect, though that feeling obviously comes and goes and there is a lot of pressure from friends, peers, teachers and parents and parents so I suggest just splitting up time so that there is fun, revision, school work, other stuff and it doesn't get mixed up. That helped me a lot and i hope it helps your ds too,
CharlotteRose